lasting for a very short time.
Hello & welcome to my thoughts being written live, from New York (Laguna Beach), it's not Saturday Night Live.
It's been a while. How are you?
If you're joining us from my Instagram (theletter.jj), welcome. Thank you for following up here. It truly means a lot and I want to hear your story as much as I want you to read mine. I want you to read mine in hopes that if you're feeling lost, lonely, weirder than usual, scared, bummed, pissed, or happy, I can reveal some truth from someone who's done the same for me.
Honesty hour: my relationship with the Lord is ROCKY. And by rocky I mean take every mountain range, pebbly shore, and minefield, put them together, and here we have my faith. I have faith. Like, I absolutely 100% believe in the Gospel. Except for when I'm not sure. Sounds like faith, huh? Nope. Hebrews 11:1, "Faith is to be sure of what you've hoped for, in the evidence of things unseen." I've seen some unseen freaking evidence this month.
My friend passed away a month ago today. She was taken home to Jesus on July 25th, 2015. My friend Monica, the one that loved sunsets more than anything. Jesus' number one fan. Taken home at the age of 29. I say "taken home" with so much warmth in my heart. I know home to her meant being in Gods arms once and for all.
She died doing her favorite thing - riding her motorcycle. She was a badass in every way shape and form. She was never afraid to talk about Jesus, never afraid to laugh, and never afraid to listen to a hurting friend. Monica gave me my first Bible. It was, and IS, the greatest gift I've ever received. She underlined a verse that has been written on my heart forever,
"Though my heart and my flesh may fail, God is my strength and my portion forever."
Mother of pearl, that woman knew how to love. She was FEARLESS. Always this radiant light that was never afraid of anything.
I hadn't seen her in so long. Past memories have re-played themselves in my head over and over, trying to grasp some sort of comfort to hold when the loss hurts. And it hurts. Hurts like hell. But more than that, it's happy. Knowing she is where she belongs for eternity is more comfort than I can understand, but it sure is comforting. The hardest, most infuriating part is that I can't tell her how much she means to me. But I will one day.
Before July 25th, 2015, I was angry at everything. But so happy. Does that make sense? I was happy with the wrong thing. I made the wrong thing into my everything. And then my everything crumbled into a million pieces and I was left with nothing but dust to cover my pain. Dust covers nothing.
My everything was a career, an outfit for work, a new project I could fixate every cell in my brain to. And I was good at it. I stayed up until 2am, got up at 730. No problem. Do it again the next day. Weekends were set for more work until that Saturday when I got news of a friend going away from this earth forever.
I'm not here to tell you my faith is restored. It's not. Honestly. I want to tell you I'm basking in the light of God and singing His praises every second because I know that my friend is standing next to Him painting the sunset every night, but I'm not. I'm still working. I'm still angry. I'm still curious about things that don't make sense to me. But what I'm not curious about, what I'm ever-so certain about, what I am absolutely positive about, is God is good. The God I believe in is good. He is strong, He is still, He is righteous, and He is good.
Holy crap, I'm so mad. I'm so confused. I'm so lost and my hope is so fleeting. But He is always, ALWAYS there. Ready to embrace my undeserving arms in His. I am a messy human. I am a haughty, overly-confident, messy 21 year old, and I am loved still. YOU, are loved, still. Can we talk about it?
Cheers, Brothers & Sisters. Xoxo.